And There I Was

Why looking back at the past year is not helpful

I’ve never been one to get too hung up on my past. I also try not to regret my past. Whenever I have been asked, “What’s one thing you would change about your past if you could?” My answer has always been “Nothing.” I know that anything that changes in my past will directly alter who I am today. And you know what? I kind of like who I am today. Actually, I’m pretty excited to see who I might be tomorrow!

However, as I have entered my 50’s and look back I think there are some things I would change. When I was younger I always thought I had until tomorrow to do the things of today. I know now that is not true. As I watched my mother pass quickly from stomach cancer, I realized how much stuff she had left “to do someday” and now would never get the chance. She was only 70. She had retired and was looking forward to these things. So what were these things? They were hobbies and things she loved to do that got put off year after year so that jobs and family and responsibilities could be dealt with. Always with the comment “I’ll have plenty of time to do that when I retire.” But she didn’t, did she?

In today’s world, I don’t even know what retirement will look like for me. Can I even retire? Will I be healthy enough to do the things I want when and if I do retire? For goodness sakes! What am I waiting on? Why am I waiting on retirement? Am I not important enough to carve out that time now? Do my dreams have to die so someone else’s can live? I have had to seriously re-evaluate.

I remember my time of being employed at a local retirement home. I remember how many people sat by the windows gazing out…regretting, wondering…all the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s bouncing around in their heads. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and be left wondering…what if?

Life is meant to be lived holistically. We should be feeding ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If we don’t and something becomes off balance then we become ill. And that illness will spread to our other parts and manifest in all sorts of ways. I have decided that there is no “saving until retirement”. There is no “wait for the weekend”. There is only now, this moment and I must live it…now…in this moment.

2 thoughts on “And There I Was

  1. First of all, I’m very sorry to hear your mother passed. My mother passed this year in January and she was only 73. Both were “young.” Also, I’ll be 51 this month…so sounds like we are close to the same age. I’m also living the holistic life. I’m in the midst of many, many changes that I’m going to be writing about on my blog. I’m looking forward to reading more of your writing!


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