Recently I read Marie Forleo’s book “Everything Is Figureoutable”. I feel confident in telling you I will be reading it again…and again…and again. So much in it is what I already know but she has a way of delivering it to me that kicks me out of my excuses and into my actions. I identify as a natural procrastinator and if given enough time can excuse my life away and miss things that I later regret. Once I read Marie’s book I was on fire and ready to go. Renewed in my mind to tackle all those things I had put off doing because someone else’s life went before mine.
It started well enough. After all, that is how this blog got started! I am only 8 months later than my original goal. I had started carving out time for me. Time to renew my creativity. Crochet, paint, write…whatever my creative heart desired but it had to be a defined amount of time set aside for me and I had to do something creative in it. Why do I struggle with feeling selfish about this? I have no human children at home, just 4 cats who tolerate my moments of creative genius as long as there’s a little catnip involved. I have a wonderful husband who totally supports me and is happy to carve out his own creative time. What is my problem?
My problem is old habits and beliefs about myself and where I fit in things. I have always put everyone ahead of me even when they tell me not to. And honestly, after caring for my mother through her cancer ordeal and subsequent passing I felt my creativity die in me. So much of it revolved around her. She was a brilliant artist and so crafty. She’s the one who taught me to crochet when I was only 5 years old. She encouraged my brother and I to read and write stories. She helped us create playsets out of boxes where we could perform the plays we had written. It felt like my world had lost some color when she left it.
As I have tried to climb out of that place I have gotten started and stopped several times. The winds of Covid, storms of racism and hate…all the discord and distress swirling in every direction around me had shoved me into a sandbar and I was stuck! I could feel myself slipping away, making excuses on why I couldn’t make the time for me. Then comes along Marie to give me a little kick. I started to get off the sandbar but it wasn’t enough. I needed a little more help. I needed a straightforward plan. Something simple that I would actually commit to.
And that is when I found a tugboat to help me get off the sandbar. As I read the blog I could see so much of myself in there. “Afraid to make myself a priority.” “Stuck between production and procrastination.” And suddenly I knew what I had to do. I had to schedule time for myself and be consistent with it. I knew Marie had mentioned in her book the goal was to set 2 hours. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just need to do it. It doesn’t have to be fast. I just need to do it. I can be persistent when I want to be and now seems like the time to be just that.
Do you know what? I am important. My time is valuable. I am an adult in full control of my actions, beliefs and behaviors. Today I take back my life from fear. Not just fear of failure. No. I discovered it in this one little line from my new tugboat friend…Fear of prioritizing myself.